I am a member of a Facebook group that is… a follower of this lady who has developed a organizational idea of people and relates them to bugs. No, stop. It just sounds weird but is actually a really on target way of doing it. There is this little test you take that works like the Hogwarts sorting hat and tells you what bug you are. Then she gives you all sorts of advice on how to organize and clean based on what bug you are. I found her on dark night on YouTube after falling down some rabbit hole instead of going to bed. What she said really made a lot of sense to me. The first organization I’ve seen that I get and go ‘yes, that sounds easy and exactly like what I need”. I mentioned in another post and what followed after that. (here: Link to dark hole)
I generally lurk in the group, though they seem to all be supportive caring people who seem to celebrate any success no matter how small. One of them posted an article that after I read I just kind of sat there and for the first time – felt like someone.. anyone… got me.
Why it is so hard to keep things clean and tidy when you have depression. I have ready so many articles about depression and anxiety. They all seemed to be talking at me but not relatable to me. Feelings I didn’t connect with or ways of being that just weren’t right. This however, resonated so strongly.
Never have I felt more understood than this as she talks about the pile of clean dishes she took.:
I walked by them morning and night and all day long. And just looked at them. Telling myself that I could do them. Telling myself that I would. And feeling defeated everyday that I didn’t. Making the depression only that much worse because not accomplishing something that needs to be done is failure.
Worthless. Failure. Piece of shit. Incompetent. Stupid. Lazy.
All things that roll through the mind of someone with depression. All. Day. Long.
Throw anxiety on top of it, and you’ve got yourself a real treat.
Being scared your husband will leave because he thinks you’re lazy. Being scared to let people into your home because they’ll think you’re nasty. Feeling like you’re failing your kids because for the 3rd night in a row you don’t have any clean dishes to cook dinner on.. so pizza it is. Again.
And the worst part of it all, it’s not just with the dishes. The laundry, cleaning, dressing yourself, taking a shower, dressing your kids, brushing your and their teeth, normal everyday tasks. It all becomes a nightmare. A very daunting task. Somedays it doesn’t get done at all.
Thank you Brittany, for giving me a few moments of feeling less isolated, lonely, and ashamed that I can’t keep my house up like I should or want to.
Thank you also for giving me that little push to do my dishes that have been sitting here for weeks…. and get back on the ‘doing things again’ because I have fallen off the bandwagon onto my ass in the dust.