Life’s shit.

I am, about as far down in the shit gutter as I can be lately.  The saying when it rains it pours.. its a god damn monsoon right now for me.. with a tsunami thrown in for good measure.

I haven’t written, because I have no words.  I still don’t.  I’m not one of those people who can express themselves with words.  I don’t express myself generally period.  I am trying this blog stuff because, maybe someday it will help someone and maybe someday I will be good at expressing myself if I keep at it.

Where to start.

Shit at work:

I wont really go into this to much but lets say I’ve been targeted and accused of things I have not done and it has made work a bit of living hell that last two months.  Add to that the president has decided to take over my department, re-write the software we use, and just generally shake things up because – we asked for help from IT to make better tickets.

Shit at home:

I can’t say enough about how shitty this is, for the family but especially for the hubs.  He has been home since Feb. on disability and has been awaiting surgery the last two months.  His surgery is the end of next month.  I can only curse people as I sit upstairs and listen to him scream in pain, knowing there is fuck I can do for him.

He has a bad labral tear and needs to have part of his hip bone sawed off and pins put in his hip to get it all put back together.  That’s 3-6 weeks of no weight and then roughly 6 months of PT to get him back to his normal self.  That’s next year people.  Meanwhile, he is going fucking crazy because he is an active person who likes to stay busy – and is pretty much contained to his chair most of the time.

This sadly is making life a little rough for the rest of us, a kid who doesn’t fully grasp that if he is sitting on dad’s lap playing and then dad starts screaming in pain – its not his fault.

Mom has her plate full trying to keep up with her work, his work, and the kid.

Personal shit:

My thing I have been dreading for 6 years, has come to pass.  My father has chosen to stop fighting and has stopped going to dialysis.  I can’t blame him. He has been doing this for 6 years.  He is tired.  The last straw came when he lost what little vision he had overnight.  He woke up one day to blackness.  They managed to get him very little back and it was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back and he quite.

Your never ready to let a parent go. No matter how much time you have it is never enough.  I can’t imagine being my mom and watching his last days. I fully believe her life will be better when dad goes. She won’t have to worry about him anymore and take of him anymore. She has spent her whole life taking care of him.  Especially the last 8 or so years when he started going downhill, and the last 6 where any lesser woman would have given up.

She is an amazing person.

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