My silent battle

Like any mom, or I suppose I should say quite a few moms, I have been waging a silent battle. Me vs the family. Where do I get to stop being mom and be myself.

Since my son was born I have given up most of the things I have done ‘for fun’. I don’t buy books anymore, I don’t do my nails, I don’t try to pretend I have estrogen and watch youtube to figure out how to apply the makeup I buy. I have even stopped buying a lot of things ‘for myself’ or cut back entirely.

The last few months, I have spent time conscientiously making choices that support me. Taking my camera and going on a walk about somewhere by myself. Buying things around the house to make my life easier (my crosswave for example). Small things, sometimes expensive – but they are choices designed to 100% do something to help me, make me feel better, whatever. It is ME ME ME.

I find it easier to make those choices than it is to make the one I need to make most of all. Actually focusing on myself. Those things affect things outside of me and generally make me fell better because something is easier. However – lets be honest none of them are really about me.

I decided I am going to make the choice to focus on me this year – actual me not external me. I am going to make the choice to loose the weight I have been gaining steadily over the years. I am going to make the choice that my eating habits, me making more healthy decisions which does affect my family because – well I cook their meals and do shit around the house for them – will be more important than their inconvenience.

I however need some sort of accountability. I looked at Noom – but after realizing they were not BBB and had quite a few billing problems – I decided I would end my free trial. I signed up with weight watchers instead. I have a series of points for each day. That over 2 meals and 2 snacks is about 5 points each. Seems doable until I actually started using it. Them mother fucking points do not stretch! I looked up the tea I was drinking — my 7/11 tea – blackberry agave – 8 points!!!. The only other things I ate all day was a bit of chicken cordon blue. That shit was 15 fucking points. Poof. There goes my points for the day. I was fucking hungry by the time 10 pm rolled around.

Today I decide to do something I rarely do – eat breakfast. Quaker oatmeal packet. 4 points. a handful of carrots 0 points for lunch. Now I am fucking starving – its new years eve and I plotted out part of my dinner. The hard part was figuring out the per serving information of the meatloaf so because it was 1/8 loaf – I had to divide everything by 8. Luckily it works out to be 0 fucking points. That means even with the sides and my drink – I still have a few points left over to have a snack later.

People are going to be very happy that I can eat dinner and maybe feel like I am not starving.

I also sprung for a new bluetooth scale, and a health journal with my Christmas bonus. Now I have sunk all this money into it – I have to commit.

Also, with some extra points I may not kill people and wind up in jail by the new year.